TRAPPED IN CADMIUM ORANGE LOVE
24" x 30" acrylics on canvas, 2018
There was a town of True Love hidden in a faraway place. It was not on any map, but if you found your true love, you gained awareness about the town instantly. Some people used the knowledge and went to live in this town, but some still questioned the true love they encountered making their path to the town disappear like a fog on a sunny summer’s day.
People who stayed in the town were conscious that they found the true love and that there was no need for them to go anywhere to look for it anymore. Some people, even though already in the town, still were not sure about their feelings. They would leave the town looking for the true love, they thought they didn’t have yet, losing their way back.
The story is not about the town each of us could find if we were to find our true love. The story is about a boy who was born to one of the families there. Even though the Boy was surrounded by love, he was missing one important part of his being. That part was where the true love resided. The Boy could physically feel things, hear the sounds and taste the wonderful food his parents made. He was not devoid of these senses, no. What he was missing was the feeling which recognized love, that specific love called the true love.
The Boy was not aware that he was missing it until one day he saw his best friends fall in love, into the true love. He was quite confused by all that he observed.
You see, children of the families in the town could live in it until a certain age. They had the unconditional love from their parents and that was enough. But as soon as a young person would hit a certain age, the test-request for the true love would kick in. This test was not really a test. It was more of a calling each child received at the age when the true love was possible. Taking this test usually meant one of the two things, staying in or leaving the town.
A young person was allowed to stay in the town if the true love was there, but they would be asked to leave if their true love was somewhere else to be found. They were to forget the path back to the town until the true love comes into their lives.
The Boy of this story was approaching the age when the butterflies beat their wings in your stomach every time you see somebody you like. This feeling would indicate the beginning of the test. But the test was not kicking in for the Boy. There was no calling of any kind. His body felt as if the butterflies were still caterpillars sleeping in their cocoons. The Boy had no interest in anybody in the town and was still by himself which raised questions for town people. He knew that there was something different about him, but he could not figure out what exactly. The Boy buried himself under piles of books looking for answers. This led him to experimentation. He was testing that part of his existence where the true love, he thought, should reside.
These experiments were innocent at first. They were as if somebody, who was to become a doctor, was learning which organ in a living organism was doing what. All but one thing in a human body made sense to the Boy. He was not able to place which organ was responsible for the true love.
The Boy studied living beings, but quickly eliminated smaller ones which existed according to their natural instincts. Pretty soon he went to study primates and animals which seemed to stick around with the same partner for the rest of their lives. Still, that was not enough for him. He was able to answer about partnership between the animals, but humans were a mystery to him. When it came to placing where this feeling of true love came from, it was all blurry and undefined.
The Boy’s frustration grew. He heard about the Sage who lived in the crater of a sleeping Volcano. He decided to find the Sage and ask him about the true love.
The Boy’s parents were afraid that after their son leaves, it was very possible that he would lose his way back to the town. It has happened to many others who went to look for the true love and never returned. The Boy was aware that this could happen to him too, but his drive to find the answer was much bigger than anything else. One day he left the town for the Sage.
His journey was quite difficult and maybe one day I will tell you all about it. But while he was taking this journey, he had no idea how every meeting and every place on his path was revealing something to him. After a long way of travels he reached the top of the Volcano. The Volcano was as deep inside as it was tall from the outside. As soon as he reached the top, the Boy went down into the depths of it which were as dark as the darkest night can be.
We all know that the night is dark because of shadows. They become thick and cover everything around. The Boy met his first shade with the first step he made down the pit. Shadows can become big nuisances and distractions when you are not able to see your goal at the end of the road you are taking. They will try to distract you into a path that is filled with their gloom. If you are not careful, you will be obscured and become one of them. The truth to be told, these types of shadows can make you believe, that you are one of them, that there is no point in seeing through them. You get used to their numbness.
In between these shadows the Boy encountered a lot of people who were distracted from their goals. Pretty soon he realized that the mountain was filled with the ones who got diverted from their true love. They were offered something better, or at least that was what they thought happened, so they stayed there. Little they knew, this was a trap. As soon as they got disgraced by these promises, they became less and less defined turning into the mass the Volcano was filled with.
The Boy’s lack of the sense that recognized the true love helped him. He was immune to the promises shadows were giving him. He could easily see through all of them as if he had the night vision. The Boy could clearly define what made one or another shadow stay in the depths of the Volcano. These desires inside glued each shadow into the murky mass the Volcano was stuffed with. It was painful for the Boy, but he had to cut through them exposing obsessions. As soon as he shone the light onto their thirst, that particular shadow, which was affected by it, would disappear clearing the path for the Boy to the depths of the Volcano.
Many days, weeks, months, years have passed. The Boy was still there fighting his shadows on the way down. One day, after meeting a particularly confusing gloom, which was much stronger and thicker, he saw a glimpse of light. It was as small as a firebug’s shine. It lasted only for a split second. The Boy thought that he imagined the spark and that his eyes were deceiving him, but after a closer examination of the shadow, which was blocking the view, he could clearly see the spark flickering in the distance.
– I almost believed this shadow that I found what I was looking for, – the Boy thought.
As soon as he grasped that idea, an open path to the place where he clearly saw the light falling off of the fire pit appeared. At the end of the path there was somebody or something sitting next to the fire.
– I was expecting you, – the Sage told the Boy as soon as the Boy reached the place. – There is nothing I can tell you about the question you have in you, but I have to warn you, that as soon as you find the answer, the Volcano will erupt killing all where you came from. It is all up to you now.
The Boy felt a tremendous pain after the Sage told him all this, but still asked:
– What do I need to do to be able to find the answer to my question?
The Sage looked at the Boy with his all-seeing eyes and told him:
– You will need to lock me inside yourself and burn with me in this fire.
– How do I do that? – the Boy asked.
– That I cannot tell you, but we can share this fire while you are figuring this out.
The Sage and the Boy sat next to the fire pit talking about all that the Boy has experienced on the way to the Volcano. Has the Boy figured out how to lock the Sage inside him? That I don’t know yet. What I know is this. The town where the Boy came from disappeared. The Cadmium Orange Desert stood where True Love was before.